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Why You Don’t Need A Third Party

Posted: Oct 1, 2016 at 5:55 pm   /   by   /   comments (0)

By Anthonia Duru.

It is no longer news that there is no challenge-free relationship and so issues will always come up in every relationship, it will be building castle in the air to expect a challenge-free marriage.

There is nothing new under the heaven; so there is no crisis couples cannot unilaterally solve without involving a third party. It’s healthy to have a network of support outside of your marriage. After all, you’ll exhaust each other if you depend on one another for everything. But don’t let it go unnoticed if your spouse suddenly begins to confide and rely on someone else for emotional sustenance.

Sharing intimate details about his or her personal life and your relationship is a slippery slope toward other forms of betrayal ? like an emotional affair. In the end, you should be the person your spouse is primarily sharing his or her marriage frustrations with, not a third party.

A third party can be your child, your spiritual leader, your parents, friend, colleague, outside hobbies and interests, sports, in-laws, friends, church, financial involvements, television, internet, computer games, shopping, illness, addictions, affairs etc. Most of these items aren’t bad in and of themselves. Yet, when they come in-between a couple’s love, they could be destructive. You will need to work to protect your marriage.

A marriage is only as strong as what it costs to protect it. In other words, you value what you invest in. If you have spent time, effort and sacrifice in preserving your marriage from other influences, your odds of a sold marriage are better.

Marriage is an exclusive club. Marriage is a two-person arrangement, leaving out all other parties. This is why wedding vows often include the phrase, “forsaking all others.” Boundaries in marriage are meant to create a safe place for one’s soul; third parties can become disruptive to this safety.

Guarding what we say means not complaining about our spouse to friends, co-workers, or even clergy of opposite sex behind our spouse’s back. Why? Because in periods of heightened vulnerability, by complaining about our spouse to members of the opposite gender we are revealing our unmet desires and wishes to them. When this disclosure takes place behind our spouse’s back, we are in essence inviting this other person to meet our needs, and trying to create an illusion of closeness that is missing from our marriage. The other person may not even realise that he or she is creating feelings of attachment or attraction in us. But once a channel of exclusive, intimate communication is established, it opens the door wide open for Satan to tempt us by distorting even the most innocent gestures or by creating inappropriate thoughts and feelings where none existed in the first place.
This is why the most prudent advice is for us to pour out our hearts and discuss our marital problems with our same-sex friends. We all need support and comfort from others when we are in need. But we must be careful not to invite intruders to take advantage of our vulnerabilities by tempting us to turn to someone who could potentially be an intruder in our marriage. You could set aside 15 minutes per morning to sit and tell each other about your plans for the day.

“We also draw the lines when it comes to dealing with the kids; we don’t allow any kid come between us, after all, we were alone before the kids came. This is so sensitive, particularly when one partner disciplines a child for an offence and the other party isn’t happy about it. This happens so many times in our relationship because I’m a mother and mothers are naturally over-protective of their kids,” Helen Adeshina, a marriage counselor married for over 40 years said.

Considering that we all have ego, it may at times not be too funny to resolve differences without calling on the man next door but if we can adopt the following, it will be of help in resolving it ourselves without inviting the intruder.

• Scheduling time to talk about relationship problems can be useful as well. By setting a time limit for discussing your problem, you may reduce some of the tension in your relationship and get closer to a solution.

• Keep these conversations as light as possible and avoid discussing anything that might upset your partner during this time. The goal is to get a rapport going again. Of course, if your partner is having a bad day or is feeling stressed about something, listen and be supportive and encouraging.

• Discuss problems in a public place. If you and your partner are prone to shouting at each other during arguments, try going to a public place to discuss problem topics. The knowledge that you may cause a scene if you yell at each other should help you to keep your voices down and have a more civil conversation.

• Work on active listening skills. Problems may also arise in relationships if a partner feels like he or she is not being heard. To eliminate this potential problem, practice active listening skills when your partner is talking to you.

• Make eye contact with your partner when he or she is talking. Do not look away, look at your phone, or anywhere else when your partner is talking to you. Give your partner your full attention.

• Nod your head and indicate your interest with neutral statements, such as “yes,” “I see,” and “go on.”

• Rephrase what your partner has just said to make sure that you have understood him or her.
Express your appreciation for each other. Feeling unappreciated can cause problems in a relationship as well. That is why it is so important to remember to say things like “thank you” and “I appreciate you” as often as possible.

Wise up and protect your marriage from intruders.