Is it proper to marry him? | Independent Newspapers Limited
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Is it proper to marry him?

Posted: May 12, 2015 at 12:22 am   /   by   /   comments (0)

Dear Agatha,


My sister died five years ago and left behind her husband. They couldn’t have a child as a result of certain complications with her fallopian tube.

Even though her husband was faithful to her and did everything to assure my sister of his love, she died from high blood pressure as a result of her constant worries that her husband might leave her for another woman. She became so paranoid that she fought any woman, including us, her sisters if we came close to her husband.

She left her job to give her the freedom to monitor her husband. In fairness to the husband, not once did he try to resist or protest her constant harassment of his freedom. He took everything in his stride. Not even when his family tried to pair him up with another woman did he abandon my sister. He kept telling everybody that he would never leave her and that in due course, a miracle would happen.

He kept begging my parents to plead with my sister not to kill herself for nothing –that her blood pressure was becoming alarmingly high.  When her condition became worse, he traveled with her abroad for treatment. There they also explored ways they can have a child together. They found a way around the issue and it was this pregnancy that actually terminated her life.

Her blood pressure kept going up and she resisted attempts by the doctors to terminate the pregnancy to save her life.

She actually left England without the permission of her doctors and husband for Nigeria to ensure her husband didn’t leave her in England because of another woman. It was when she got to Nigeria that she called her husband from the airport to come and pick her. She died three days after she came back because of her blood pressure. Her pregnancy was only five months.

Since then, the husband has remained single. Despite pressures from all of us that he continues with his life, he refused. He still came to our house and continued with all his former obligations to us despite protests from my mother that he shouldn’t, he ignored her. Every month, he would send feeding allowances as well as drugs for my father. He also never failed to pay our house rents and other bills.

He called everyday to know how we were and would come to see things for himself to ensure we didn’t lack anything.

After trying to stop him from doing all these things, my mother gave up and even tried on several occasions to get him hooked up with nice ladies she knew.

Around August last year, he came to my place of work to pick me up for lunch. We really had a great time. He kept doing this and honestly, I didn’t know when my feelings for him changed to love. It hit me like a bolt of lightening that I no longer regarded him as my elder brother but as a man.

When he also communicated his love for me, I was happy and we started a secret relationship. He wanted us to inform our parents right away but I kept pleading with him to give me more time because secretly I fear our parents may not support the idea.

Without telling me anything, he went ahead to inform his parents two weeks ago and my parents last week. Surprisingly none of them is against the relationship. But how do I explain to the world that I’m in love with my late sister’s husband and I am actually planning to marry him? To me, it is all wrong. People may think I killed my own sister to enable me marry him. You know how people talk.

Agatha, I love him so very much but is it alright to marry him? Please help me as I am very confused. The two families have agreed on a date for the traditional wedding since neither of us is growing younger. I would be 30 in September while he is already 41.



Dear Laife,

The truth is, if you don’t marry him, someone else would and you will be the one left to ponder on your loss, pains and dreams you have built around him since you two started dating.

No matter what one does in life, people would always talk. If a person is too nice and generous, some mischievous people would label such person, a fool while a person who is not too nice is often branded; a devil. There is no pleasing everybody in the choices we daily make in our lives, so why even attempt it? The important thing is your conviction that you are not hurting anybody by marrying this man. Any objective person would know you have nothing to do with the death of your sister. If you had, it won’t be five years after that you and her late husband would be talking about marriage.

Besides, a clear conscience fears no accusation. As long as you did not do anything to compromise your sister’s marriage while she was alive or even contemplated ever dating her husband while she was still on this side of life, do not be bothered about the opinion of others. Let anybody who wants to talk do so, but do not give up your own happiness for anything or anybody. Life is too short to short change yourself in the area of your happiness and peace in life. If people have no scruples desecrating the memories of the dead, how much more you that is alive? In addition, if people would talk at all, it would not last for more than a week at most when someone else would take your place on the chart of those to be gossiped about.

Also, a lot of people may have even forgotten who this man is. Unless your close family and friends, five years is a long time for those who are not too close to your family to even remember your sister, not to talk of the man who married her.

If those whose business is to object, are all for you two marrying each other, why are you concerned about what others would say? Nobody gives happiness to another person. You are the only person who can define your happiness in life and if this man makes your heart skip beats, give the world a new meaning for you and answers those nagging thoughts about men and marriage which you have even refused to dwell on for fear of what you would find, then do not waste any precious moment dwelling on what is not the business of anybody.

At this point, your major concern should be what you intend to do with the marriage and not what people think of you. This is because, at the end of the day, it is what would matter the most.

He must have seen something extra exceptional about you to make him want to stick around your family so do not waste it by being anxious over nothing.

Having witnessed first-hand what transpired between him and your sister, try as much as possible to avoid making the same mistakes your sister did so as to give this man the kind of happiness he deserves in life and marriage. Learn to trust him implicitly. Do not forget that he may have been able to cope with your late sister’s massive mistrust of him, he may not be able to do so anymore; not because he does not want to but age makes the body unable to accept what it could when younger. At 40, this man needs a lot of peace in his life and happiness at home.

Be his friend first before becoming his wife; this way, no matter what you meet in your marriage, you will always have the presence of mind to cope and support him.

No matter what, always give him the respect due him; do not forget it is part of the package he saw in you. Being lovers does not mean a woman must begin to disrespect her man; as a matter of fact, it is the more reason for her to appreciate and respect him the more.

The bottom line is that you have every right to be happy. You have all mourned your sister enough; it is time to move on because there is nothing you can do anymore for the one who is dead. Cruel as this is, the truth remains, indelible.

Good luck.


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